update on my life
Feb. 2nd, 2006 03:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fuchsSo yeah, since the beginning of december I haven't been very, uhm, communicative, I guess.
I'm never in ICQ, always 'busy' in skype, waaaay behind on answering emails and comments.
Although, december was good. Creative, loving, busy. Until christmas came around, which was just awful. Lost so much family, in 2005, so we were just grandma, Henni, Pa and me. And granny grows old. And sick. I didn't want to be merry and celebrate this christmas. I wanted to crawl into my own bed and only come back when it's done and over with. But I had to, and maybe this knowledge was what darkened december for me.
So I thought, well, leave christmas behind you. Meet old friends, struggle through snow and plan the new year. Good times.
And then New Years Eve was overshadowed by misunderstandings, lacks of sensitivity and tolerance and a very childish, grumpy face. We wrecked havoc in the kitchen and had fun and I thought, okay, this is just the fitting end to this horrible year of constant fighting.
I am so lucky that so much love made 2005 bearable at all...
Anyway. 2006 started fine, for a week. Then I got rid of my wisdom teeth and everything went downhill. I cannot be creative while hurting. I cannot even think straight while on heavy medication. Okay, I thought, take a break. Sleep. Get well again. Plan february. Januaries never liked you.
Today I'm still so very tired. So prone to sink into deep fandoms (firefly, gundam wing, harry potter, lost, thief lord...) and flee reality. So very, very far away from who I want to be and what I want to do.
My mother seems to have a plan to declare me 'grossly ungrateful' which allows her to stop paying me anything. So I have to write a long counterstatement, declaring that I am not ungrateful, just mightyly pissed of, and with reason.
Still fighting.
I don't want to fight anymore. It's hard enough only being able to eat half a pizza. The upper half, I mean. To try to not let the inconvenience and pain of having a retainer all around my tongue distract me from living.
But fighting it is, then. My only motivation right now is, that this year I'm not fighting old wars, I'm fighting new ones which hopefully will settle very old problems.
Jaw. Knee. Weight.
Mother. Money. University.
Creativity.
Last summer taught me to stop being defensive. If somebody is attacking me, I am counterattacking. I don't have to defend myself when I'm not guilty. I don't have to be nice when I'm very angry. I quit being considerate when I am totally ignored, used, manipulated. That spares me a lot of long fights.
2005 I rescued my sister, the finances of my father, my studies and my teeth. I lost most of my family, few friends and very much energy. I played a lot, loved and had fun, nonetheless.
2006 I will defeat my mother once and for all until she stops bugging me, therefore rescue my finances. Also I will rescue my jaw, my knee and my studies. I will lose weight and gain very much energy. I will play. Love. Have fun.
And perhaps next january can't hurt me that much. Perhaps next winter I will be nearer to who I want to be and what I want to do. Hopefully, as the days grow longer, I won't be so very tired anymore.
I'm never in ICQ, always 'busy' in skype, waaaay behind on answering emails and comments.
Although, december was good. Creative, loving, busy. Until christmas came around, which was just awful. Lost so much family, in 2005, so we were just grandma, Henni, Pa and me. And granny grows old. And sick. I didn't want to be merry and celebrate this christmas. I wanted to crawl into my own bed and only come back when it's done and over with. But I had to, and maybe this knowledge was what darkened december for me.
So I thought, well, leave christmas behind you. Meet old friends, struggle through snow and plan the new year. Good times.
And then New Years Eve was overshadowed by misunderstandings, lacks of sensitivity and tolerance and a very childish, grumpy face. We wrecked havoc in the kitchen and had fun and I thought, okay, this is just the fitting end to this horrible year of constant fighting.
I am so lucky that so much love made 2005 bearable at all...
Anyway. 2006 started fine, for a week. Then I got rid of my wisdom teeth and everything went downhill. I cannot be creative while hurting. I cannot even think straight while on heavy medication. Okay, I thought, take a break. Sleep. Get well again. Plan february. Januaries never liked you.
Today I'm still so very tired. So prone to sink into deep fandoms (firefly, gundam wing, harry potter, lost, thief lord...) and flee reality. So very, very far away from who I want to be and what I want to do.
My mother seems to have a plan to declare me 'grossly ungrateful' which allows her to stop paying me anything. So I have to write a long counterstatement, declaring that I am not ungrateful, just mightyly pissed of, and with reason.
Still fighting.
I don't want to fight anymore. It's hard enough only being able to eat half a pizza. The upper half, I mean. To try to not let the inconvenience and pain of having a retainer all around my tongue distract me from living.
But fighting it is, then. My only motivation right now is, that this year I'm not fighting old wars, I'm fighting new ones which hopefully will settle very old problems.
Jaw. Knee. Weight.
Mother. Money. University.
Creativity.
Last summer taught me to stop being defensive. If somebody is attacking me, I am counterattacking. I don't have to defend myself when I'm not guilty. I don't have to be nice when I'm very angry. I quit being considerate when I am totally ignored, used, manipulated. That spares me a lot of long fights.
2005 I rescued my sister, the finances of my father, my studies and my teeth. I lost most of my family, few friends and very much energy. I played a lot, loved and had fun, nonetheless.
2006 I will defeat my mother once and for all until she stops bugging me, therefore rescue my finances. Also I will rescue my jaw, my knee and my studies. I will lose weight and gain very much energy. I will play. Love. Have fun.
And perhaps next january can't hurt me that much. Perhaps next winter I will be nearer to who I want to be and what I want to do. Hopefully, as the days grow longer, I won't be so very tired anymore.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-02-02 02:21 pm (UTC)*wedelt mit Faehnchen* Go for it!
no subject
Date: 2006-02-02 02:44 pm (UTC)hairheart knotted into a hard, horny mass, her eyes void of brightness." And somehow I untangled myself, learnt to walk and speak and be, because that's what you do-- that's who we are.But what I have been struggling with lately is--
the reason we fight is the "at-the-end-of-the-day". To keep safe, or to gather like treasure, the things we come back to. Love. Friendships. Home. Where fighter-self and person-self can meet in the middle and create art, beauty, meaning. But what if you feel like the foundation isn't there? Like "the ties that bind us" don't bind you enough? The problem with that is that you can't turn it into another fight to fight-- you can't forge a life of (mutual) meaning out of thin air. "Aim your road on my bow of hope, and in a frenzy I will free my flock of arrows" (Pablo Neruda, a theme for me last year), but if you don't know how to work with, gain strength from or maintain strength in, a certain situation? I don't feel like I'm being given enough to work with at all. I see your hardships and I empathise, but I see your strength and in a way, I envy, because I feel like I lack the sort of foundation you have, that which gives you the strength to say "I will, I will."
no subject
Date: 2006-02-02 03:16 pm (UTC)I can look back and see a long list of fights fought and of goals reached and not.
I fought for this foundation and gained it. But this one fight, the one about love, friendship, home, is one you can't fight like any other.
If there's no victory in sight, it doesn't necesseraly mean that you didn't fight hard enough, didn't believe anough, weren't good enough. In this fight, chance and luck are your unreliable allies. I always thought fights with these allies easier to bear with, than those without them. At least it didn't have to mean 'my fault' when I didn't succeed.
I think you are, as always, a special case. You crave this kind of foundation, but normally people need years to gain it. Slowly separating from home-that-was, settling somewhere, meeting people, sorting trough them. I won this fight in the end of 2002, when I was 23. And that was very fast indeed! (It seems to be believed that the time of life between 20 and 30 is kind of reserved for this fight.) Incidently, I wouldn't have been able to fight for creativity, for strength of will and for finding my true self before then.
You are, and you fight all those fights, without a foundation. Yeah, I think I can imagine how terribly hard that must be.
And perhaps Lady Luck and Lord Chance aren't that fast. Need more time than you do. Perhaps even your special-ness can't rush this fight.
It's a sad thing, that giftedness and swiftness always seem to come with impatience. That's a cruel package indeed.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-02 03:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-02 05:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-02 05:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-02 11:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-03 10:13 pm (UTC)read it - too tired to comment anything
let´s talk on phone this weekend
glad u see it optimistic
wish u the best for fights, knee, jaw, studies, love...
no subject
Date: 2006-02-04 06:03 pm (UTC)