update on my life

[fuchs]

So yeah, since the beginning of december I haven't been very, uhm, communicative, I guess.
I'm never in ICQ, always 'busy' in skype, waaaay behind on answering emails and comments.
Although, december was good. Creative, loving, busy. Until christmas came around, which was just awful. Lost so much family, in 2005, so we were just grandma, Henni, Pa and me. And granny grows old. And sick. I didn't want to be merry and celebrate this christmas. I wanted to crawl into my own bed and only come back when it's done and over with. But I had to, and maybe this knowledge was what darkened december for me.
So I thought, well, leave christmas behind you. Meet old friends, struggle through snow and plan the new year. Good times.
And then New Years Eve was overshadowed by misunderstandings, lacks of sensitivity and tolerance and a very childish, grumpy face. We wrecked havoc in the kitchen and had fun and I thought, okay, this is just the fitting end to this horrible year of constant fighting.
I am so lucky that so much love made 2005 bearable at all...
Anyway. 2006 started fine, for a week. Then I got rid of my wisdom teeth and everything went downhill. I cannot be creative while hurting. I cannot even think straight while on heavy medication. Okay, I thought, take a break. Sleep. Get well again. Plan february. Januaries never liked you.
Today I'm still so very tired. So prone to sink into deep fandoms (firefly, gundam wing, harry potter, lost, thief lord...) and flee reality. So very, very far away from who I want to be and what I want to do.
My mother seems to have a plan to declare me 'grossly ungrateful' which allows her to stop paying me anything. So I have to write a long counterstatement, declaring that I am not ungrateful, just mightyly pissed of, and with reason.
Still fighting.
I don't want to fight anymore. It's hard enough only being able to eat half a pizza. The upper half, I mean. To try to not let the inconvenience and pain of having a retainer all around my tongue distract me from living.
But fighting it is, then. My only motivation right now is, that this year I'm not fighting old wars, I'm fighting new ones which hopefully will settle very old problems.
Jaw. Knee. Weight.
Mother. Money. University.
Creativity.
Last summer taught me to stop being defensive. If somebody is attacking me, I am counterattacking. I don't have to defend myself when I'm not guilty. I don't have to be nice when I'm very angry. I quit being considerate when I am totally ignored, used, manipulated. That spares me a lot of long fights.
2005 I rescued my sister, the finances of my father, my studies and my teeth. I lost most of my family, few friends and very much energy. I played a lot, loved and had fun, nonetheless.
2006 I will defeat my mother once and for all until she stops bugging me, therefore rescue my finances. Also I will rescue my jaw, my knee and my studies. I will lose weight and gain very much energy. I will play. Love. Have fun.
And perhaps next january can't hurt me that much. Perhaps next winter I will be nearer to who I want to be and what I want to do. Hopefully, as the days grow longer, I won't be so very tired anymore.

Comments

[faelkchen.livejournal.com]

Ich hoffe ganz fest, daß Du erreichst, was Du Dir vorgenommen hast und noch ein bißchen mehr. :)