A different mindset

[fuchs]

So she says:
 "I might have expanded your view so much, opened up so many possibilities in your mind, that I might have lost me a manager for this. And I need a manager! I need someone to replace me, and do all the niggly bits. That person might not be you - and they will have their own front door! I'm still going to buy this perfect little cottage in Croydon! But I can't keep on helping young people expand all the time, and then nobody stays."

And she's right in a way.

"You might one day wake up and think of this as a small, backwater thing you don't want to do - and you're free to! Understand this: You will still be a child of this, we will still be connected! But I need something out of this, too."

Is she guilt-tripping me into staying here? Or is she seeing this much more clearly than I am.
She did expand my mind after all. And it turned from a completely magical place into a little backwater wanne-be B&B.
I tried to get to the core of my problem with all this, and I told her, that I am trying to figure this out.

I say:
"I'm setting up this system, so that someone can manage this - anyone, really - but everytime I do I push against not only your system, but your life. And you push back. No, you don't want direct debit, okay. But then this takes much longer than it should."
"It could work with the manager's account, though! They could put something online, if they wanted to!"
"That's not it."

No, it's "Everything that's mine is yours" versus "Don't drink the orange juice for the guests" and "Don't use the bathroom while there are guests there."
It's "I don't want to give any orders or explain how something works" versus "This is all a mess now, someone changed the order of these linen drawers" and "Someone did this completely wrong."

Is this really, again, just a case of bad communication? Or a case of bad behaviour set? What if I reacted not as a mindset charity case but as the future manager (which I don't want to be)?
And fear, always fear: "Just don't abandon me." Maybe it's not her pushing, that's annoying me so much, that's making me distance myself, emotionally. Maybe it's her pulling. I have always hated that. This implication of "If I don't rope you into staying, you will just forget about me."

Yes, she has expanded me. And yes, I won't stay here, I will expand further, like she predicts. But maybe I can take this with me, expand it with me. Maybe. Probably not alone, though. God, I'm so tired.

Comments

[wulfila.livejournal.com]

This sounds like a situation you should run away from really fast. Heretical question: Are you certain she has done as much for your personal growth as she claims, or is it just that you have become a bit wiser on your own in this situation?

[fuchs.livejournal.com]

She actually really did.
And I can understand her, maybe even too well. She said:
"You might expand even further, and you're free to! I want you to! But you have to replace yourself."
It's still somehow completely disgusting, and I can't quite pinpoint why.
Someone suggested it's the setting off of things she's done for me against expectations and demands for the future.
But she also said:
"Right now, we're fine! It's give and take and balanced out! I'm talking about the future!"
I just can't grasp what exactly she's saying. There are too many panic triggers in her words.

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

Vaguely wondering --- how old is she again? Could the panic stem from a sort of heritage anxiety, from expecting a future in which you stay and work as long as she's there but as soon as she's gone (or even "just" growing seriouly dependent, suffering from dementia, that sort of thing) you move on - whether the work is done or not - and leave her without the power to pick up and start again?
I may be on the completely wrong track, of course, but it struck me as a possibility. I mean, perhaps I can't keep on helping young people expand all the time, and then nobody stays is just a guilt-inducing mechanism ("I can't" = "I don't want to have to do that"), but maybe it is a genuine fear ("I can't" = "I physically or mentally will not forever be able to do that") after all. So maybe it is a communicative rather than behavioural issue?

(The orange juice/ linen thing sounds like the sort of thing you get in most relationships - at first you're so happy about the new situation that you don't care that the other person never cleans up behind him- or herself, but after a while all the things you thought you'd never care about/ the things you took for granted start to seriously rub you the wrong way. But I may be completely wrong there, too. And either way it is annoying - possibly for both sides...)

I'm probably not helping. Sorry. >_>

[fuchs.livejournal.com]

No, that's exactly right. She's somewhere around 80, I think.
And just knowing you read this and thought about this helps a lot already. I am feeling quite disconnected here - and although we don't meet up in Cologne half as much as we would like to, there's always the knowledge that we could, isn't there.
Anyway, thank you very much!
I think the solution might be found in what turnsunwise says further down.

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

We still should be meeting up more. I feel guilty that it's already been two months again. How does this happen all the time? >_>
So when will you be back in Cologne?

Hope you find a good way to deal with the problem at hand. *crosses fingers for you*

[fuchs.livejournal.com]

True that, but don't feel guilty! It's the curse of the Busy People! And it doesn't change anything between us. :)
I'll be back 1st of March. What would you propose? And when? *_*

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

Well, right now I'm fairly flexible (except on weekends :P), so pretty much anything goes...
If we're just talking about a random little meet-up, I have an appointment in Cologne on March 2nd - I could just drop by at your place for a couple of hours before that? Alternatively, a brunch, or a creative day/ afternoon/ weekend, or some board games, or a video night (I still haven't seen Glee!) sometime... take your pick! As for the when, let me know what week days suit you best :)

[fuchs.livejournal.com]

2nd sounds good! Wann wäre das denn ca.?

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

Um 16 Uhr ist der Arzttermin (Friesenviertel) - also halt so mittags?

[fuchs.livejournal.com]

Ja, klasse!! Magst du auch was essen? :D

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

Gern, wenn's kein allzu großer Aufwand ist :)

[fuchs.livejournal.com]

Geht klar! Freu mich drauf!

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

Ich auch ^^

[fuchs.livejournal.com]

That might just be it. She's needy and afraid, talks about what she needs and communicates quite strongly when she's panicking.
And she's not handling it very well.

But as I said, she is very good about being criticized - if it's done calmly and at the right moment, of course. So I will talk to her about her behaviour. Right now she's sick though - not bothering me in any way, but not in any condition to receive feedback.
I might just try a general debriefing, so to say, next monday before I leave.

Sorry to have bothered you last night, then! Go, you, go! *pompoms wedel*
Und sag Bescheid, wenn du wieder Zeit (und Lust) zum Skypen hast. :)