Guilt and failure

[fuchs]

I fear I'll never be able to stop feeling guilty about leaving my little sister. Sometimes I miss her so much it hurts.
She just called me, I think she just wanted to talk, to contact me, to feel a little nearer. She asked stupid questions about the cd's I sent her, and she didn't even have the time to talk properly, because Dad just made lunch. I told her she could ask anything she wanted to, but she should know what she wanted to know before asking. I told her she could call me anytime just for talking.
So she apologised profusely and her voice suddenly sounded so strained. Embarassed perhaps. Longing.
God, I love her.
I wish I could just be there for her AND live my own life. I wish she could be totally happy and secure without me.

I wish I could forget all the failures in my life. I still remember most of those small embarassements, bad grades and humiliations. I don't want to think about friends who let me down, I want to forget the feeling of knowing that you just made such a major fool of yourself.
I don't want to contemplate my past self. I want to lose the burden of past wrong decisions and lacks of awareness.
It churns in my stomach to think about how I often didn't even recognize I've been humiliated by false friends and people I wouldn't have suspected. So naive. So dumb.

Sometimes I ponder if it would do any good to write them all down, failures, humiliations, bad memories. To put them in a small black book. I don't know, and then burn it, perhaps. Lay the regrets to rest. Bury the churning.
But writing something down lends things a greater amount of reality. Wouldn't I just remember them better, afterwards? Wouldn't I create a sort of canon of failures to be thought about everytime I remember a part of it?
I even thought of a ritual to invent and celebrate to rid myself of all of them. Some kind of psychological little helper. A placebo fo my soul.
I'll watch this, and perhaps I'll burn a little black book on the next significant pagan holiday, winter solstice.

Comments

[fuchs.livejournal.com]

Fehler dieser Art sind mir schon sehr lange nicht mehr passiert, gedemütigt habe ich mich bestimmt schon seit 5... nein, 6 Jahren nicht mehr gefühlt. Das sind alles Schulzeitsachen, die tatsächlich nichts mehr mit mir zu tun haben. Das ist ja die Krux für mich. Es geht nicht darum, mich zu akzeptieren, wie ich jetzt bin, das ist kein Problem. Es geht darum, aufzuhören, an der Vergangenheit zu knabbern zu haben. Ich *bin* all diese Verhaltensmuster, Unaufmerksamkeiten und Dummheiten schon lange, lange losgeworden. Es geht um pures Nachtrauern.
Die klare Linie ist schon lange da, und Gott sei Dank dafür. Mal abgesehen davon ist der Teil der Vergangeheit, den ich loswerden will, nie ein Teil von mir gewesen, sondern nur falsch übernommene, schlecht rezipierte Verhaltensmuster und Ratschläge. Eine Schicht über mir, wenn du so willst, die ich vor langer Zeit abgeschüttelt habe.

[wulfila.livejournal.com]

Na, wenn du es so sehen kannst, dann viel Glück mit dem schwarzen Büchlein. So, wie deine Antwort klingt, hast du die wichtigsten Schritte doch schon getan und mußt nur noch erinnerungsmäßig den Absprung finden.