Guilt and failure

[fuchs]

I fear I'll never be able to stop feeling guilty about leaving my little sister. Sometimes I miss her so much it hurts.
She just called me, I think she just wanted to talk, to contact me, to feel a little nearer. She asked stupid questions about the cd's I sent her, and she didn't even have the time to talk properly, because Dad just made lunch. I told her she could ask anything she wanted to, but she should know what she wanted to know before asking. I told her she could call me anytime just for talking.
So she apologised profusely and her voice suddenly sounded so strained. Embarassed perhaps. Longing.
God, I love her.
I wish I could just be there for her AND live my own life. I wish she could be totally happy and secure without me.

I wish I could forget all the failures in my life. I still remember most of those small embarassements, bad grades and humiliations. I don't want to think about friends who let me down, I want to forget the feeling of knowing that you just made such a major fool of yourself.
I don't want to contemplate my past self. I want to lose the burden of past wrong decisions and lacks of awareness.
It churns in my stomach to think about how I often didn't even recognize I've been humiliated by false friends and people I wouldn't have suspected. So naive. So dumb.

Sometimes I ponder if it would do any good to write them all down, failures, humiliations, bad memories. To put them in a small black book. I don't know, and then burn it, perhaps. Lay the regrets to rest. Bury the churning.
But writing something down lends things a greater amount of reality. Wouldn't I just remember them better, afterwards? Wouldn't I create a sort of canon of failures to be thought about everytime I remember a part of it?
I even thought of a ritual to invent and celebrate to rid myself of all of them. Some kind of psychological little helper. A placebo fo my soul.
I'll watch this, and perhaps I'll burn a little black book on the next significant pagan holiday, winter solstice.

Comments

[damanique.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure it's a good thing to remember all of the things that went wrong in your past, all of the people who hurt you, all of the mistakes you made...

I've done that, and now I'm stuck. Whenever something happens, I fall back upon the past, trying to find a solution there. But it's useless. Scars from the past made you who you are today, but they can't change you anymore. I'm somehow unable to make real changes because I'm still stuck in the past, still blaming everyone who hurt me and blaming myself for letting them do so. I don't know any other way to think, I haven't learned one, yet.

I think it's much better to leave the past where it is - behind ya. ^^ Remembering it better does not change what happened. Just think about today and tomorrow.. the past is done with.

[fuchs.livejournal.com]

Uhm, okay, I may not have said that coherently enough, but I really want to FORGET, to lay to rest, to bury all that. I don't *want* to remember. I want to *stop* remembering.