fuchs

Yes, I made mistakes at University. I should have done more, worked harder, shouldn't have postponed any paper. But I did alright, I think. Good grades, not too slowly, had to work at the side in the beginning, saved my little sister from my mother in one summer, wrote a book in another.
Now there are too papers left. I can't apply for a research scholarship in September like I planned until I get those two papers graded. Prof. Ehmcke was on sickleave for months now, though, and she still has another paper of mine to grade.
I think I'll get both written until the end of August. Since the next possible application date for said scholarship (after September) will be at the beginning of January next year, and I therefore can go to Japan to research for my thesis earliest mid-March, where I want to stay two months... I'm never gonna be able to take my final examinations in May. Means, I'll have to take them in November.
Well, I'll definitely get my thesis done in time, now.
And I'll be able to go to those fantastic seminars next semester. An exercise course about Hokusai! A lecture by Prof. Ehmcke about the birth of Japanese Modernity! Prof. Göttert talking about medieval magic (missed that one two times in the last years)! A newspaper reading course with Watabe!
So business a usual next semester, only without papers and with a thesis to write instead.
Then (hopefully) Kyôto next spring.
After that I have to finish my thesis and start swotting for the finals.

That is relatively little to do, compared to some past semesters. Not enough room for a job on the side, at least not until I come back from Japan, but enough to refresh my Japanese and maybe write another book. Possibly even to try to learn programming.

I fought hard for this plan. I had to struggle to overcome this stupid belief that I had to hurry like fuck. I mean, I'll still be out of university before I turn thirty. I'll have had time to do my very best, which means very good grades. And I'll be able to love every part of the journey.
I will not succumb to society telling me to cram faster, ignore thoroughness for pure speed and suffer a guilty conscience the whole way, regardless of how much I do.
I'm not guilty of anything but maybe some stupid mistakes in the beginning of my studies. And those are completely forgivable.

I applied for a students loan, now, too. I just refuse to suffer poverty (yes, it's poverty if you can't buy winters clothes or fresh vegetables) just because society makes me panic about debt traps. I can calculate pretty good and I know I can afford a years worth of a students loan.

Anyway.
What I'm trying to say is that I chose happiness over the general societys opinion. You have to play lotto to win the million, you have to write those books to maybe get them published and earn a bit of money with them. I am fighting theeth and nails for my right to drive to the Otto-Maigler-Lake wih friends yesterday and the day before to go swimming and relaxing. For my right to eat Sushi now and again. To play, play, play. To drive to Dad's in a few weeks, just because I miss him. To treat myself to a bit of normal luxury.
I am 27 years old and I tried to save as much money as possible the last four years, with the resulting guilty conscience for my one-weekend-a-year-holidays, for every time we ate out and every time we went to the cinema. I am not richer in any way, nor happier, and I still felt guilty. Sometimes I really get the impression that our society doesn't like happiness very much. If you are happy you're obviously not doing enough, not working hard enough, not worrying enough.
ENOUGH already.
I could die tomorrow.
And I really want to stop giving myself *reasons* to want to flee this reality. I can't overcome my addictions to bad behaviour patterns otherwise, because they are exactly that: attempts to escape from reality.

Now I just have to watch myself very, very closely to not walk into my own traps. Writing makes me way happier than watching TV. Driving to the lake beats lounging about in bed every day (if the weather permits, though). Sushi feels worlds better than greasy pizza. Working hard to learn Japanese and write papers or rather my thesis fills me with pride and accomplishment.
I have to remember thinks like that.
Then the next year will be full of life and creativity and the luxury of nature and health and family and friends and wide, open air.