dangling legs, mind-killers and christmas candles

[fuchs]

A few days ago I was christmas shopping.
Tired and worn out by weeks of high level stress, sitting in a tram. Next to me two tiny girls in pink coats, legs dangling, sing about shiny shoes, bright green glitter and pizza. And when I hide my smile by looking out the window at my other side, I see another bright pink girl walking down the street. She was holding hands with her mother, trailing behind a bit, looking at an ad poster which I'd seen before too, with some kind of horror skull on it (probably for a metal band or something). The little girl was biting her lip and looking around quite disturbed, and I thought yeah, really, they shouldn't allow ads like that, she's really freaked out there. And the next moment I think no, maybe that's alright, maybe that is a good way to see something ugly and scary in this world, on a poster, where it actually can't really hurt you. Made me sad, though.

I've fought long and hard these last weeks, an uphill race against my own fears and insecurities. No email yet from Dr. Takashina, Kyôto, and really, I should have tried to contact her *way* earlier. Should have would have done more worked harder.
Work It Harder Make It Better / Do It Faster, Makes Us stronger / More Than Ever Hour After / Our Work Is Never Over.
Applying for this stipend meant not only working like crazy on my Japanese, going to offices and the like at least four times a week, doing stupid mistakes and then crank up the pace to compensate for them, no, it was all about painting a picture of myself in the brightest possible colours. Fiddle with this imperfect CV until it looks quite intimidating, write long and boasting about how freakishly well informed I am about my thesis subject, get photos of myself which look open and energetic and blablabla...
And all that while feeling fat and ugly and stupid and like a complete failure. Not that I really think I am any of that. There's just this niggling doubt, in all of us I guess. There's always someone who does it better and faster, who's stronger and prettier and all around awesome, it seems. It really doesn't do to compare oneself with the high gloss version of another persons boasts and fiddled with CV's.
And somehow my subconscious really believed that this stipend was the one thing everything depended on, my future, the future of my sister, my dad and grandma, my friends and utter happiness. Yeah, right. No pressure, haha...
Not letting this fear of failure brake me was astonishinlgy hard.
And then I had everything I needed, right on the last possible moment. Now Dad's here for christmas and goes over my CV for a last time, so I can send it all off tomorrow.
And guess what, I got the grades for my last two papers. 2.3 in Art History (written while working on the side, small wonder), and a 1.0 in Japanese Studies (no work done at the side, see the difference?). From Prof. Ehmcke. There's not only a 1 in front of the dot, there a freaking ZERO after it, too!
I could scream this house two shambles, still. And apparently she only read the introduction and the final thoughts. I will frame that and look at it daily and never ever let any doubts cross my mind if I am, really, a good student. Man...

Anyway, all that meant I couldn't do half as much as I wanted for christmas preparations. I only had a small bit of the flat decorated, but at least everything was clean. Then I proceeded to give city tours to Dad, Henni and Dads new love, which would have been exhausting in itself, even without all the leftover exhaustion. We only got a tree on the 24th, as well as the roasts, half an hour before every shop in the whole city closed for good. Then there where still some presents to wrap and all in all I only *started* to unwind in the late evening, in front up the lit tree. By the way, we did not get any tree candles. At all. Good thing I had candles thin enough to substitute.
Everyone was happy with their presents, the tree is quite pretty, Papas womanfriend is very nice and I just love to have Alpha here for christmas.
I'm just a perfectionist. We missed a guided city tour about Colognes Below, because I confused the meeting points. And, well, there are the missing tree candles.

Then there's the issue about Dads behaviour when he winds down, he basically shuts down his brain. ComPLETEly. SO annoying. And we were supposed to talk about money while he's here... well, I'll write him a decent letter if we don't get to that.

I would like to ask him a serious question, though. I read something, can't remember what, about dealing with traumata and especially sexual trauma. An abuse victim told the story about how he found out that his father figure had sex with his (own) partner and was, therefore, a sexual being, too. The survivor said, repeatedly, "I thought he was save. And now, somehow, he wasn't anymore." Good God did that strike a chord.
And I just don't remember what exactly happened that day, when I walked home from Kindergarden, and that man stopped me, tried to make me come with him to look at his baby kittens, tried to kiss me... or did he? Did he touch? Did he *do* anything?
I remember kissing my kindergarden love on his birthday, sitting on the trunk with all the costumes, legs dangling. I remember jumping from the slide because Mom wanted me to hurry up to get home, and I was absolutely certain I could jump from that height and just float down. I remember the broken arm hurt like a bitch, but my unbroken nose hurt more, and maybe it's crooked because of that (you know, I found myself admiring my nose in the mirror a few days ago. Too much pressure and all that. /random). I remember playing cops and robbers, the exact colour and smell of the lilacs blooming between our house and the kindergarden, the sound of summer airplanes and the biting, sparkling green of my stolen bike and so much more.
But I don't remember much about that man. Blond, with a moustache (did it tickle?). We went to the police station and I gave a statement, so maybe Dad remembers about that.
And I remember looking at the Walking Ghost and thinking, while panic made everything white out: Damn, I thought he was safe. I thought he was safe.

And now the next year is looming. And such a crazy one, two. One of the Sisters offered the attic appartement to us (again), with a lowered price. That will be decided mid-january. I really hope for that to work, S&P would come to live with us and Elia would have a home while being abroad, anyway. A touching stone.
I'm loath to part with this house anyway.
The house of Everything is Possible.
The home of the WG. And HOW I miss them. They're only gone for what, four days now, and I missthemmissthemmissthem.
Which *might* have somethign to do with the anime series Naruto, too. When our brains stopped functioning and my panic grew too strong, we would cram on the couch and watch it. We even had a tiny rpg with K&K, all ninja, all the time. Oh *yeah*. Funfunfun, and see, I so *am* still able to flee into fandom. But this was the very first time I did it consciously and voluntary and it did not hinder me in the slightest. I am kinda proud about that. And this series says "Hard work and genius go hand in hand" and "Protecting your loved ones and friends in general are the most important things in the world." Kinda cheesy, I know, but fitting reminders nonetheless.

I went to Brussels since my last longer entry, too. So many nice people, so much pressure, so much unbelievable disorganisation. Still, a city with that many small old buildings and gorgeous, charming restaurants, plazas and cafés just has to get a grip on me.
All those languages. All those easy smiles and this "It'll all work out somehow anyway"-attitude.
We stormed a closed off park, four guys, four girls (and I am SO not used to so much testosterone in my immediate vicinity), climbing through a fence, and the Skywalker laughs, half joke, half concern "You know, as NATO workers we really shouldn't be crossing borders like that."
And I talk about art and chocolate spreads with a mourning man in a bakery and he says "That is all a bit over my head, I fear..." and the rest talks politics and I'm interested and completely opinionless.

Oh, and I turned 28. I'm not quite sure what I'm thinking about that.
I'm not afraid to grow older, not at all. I adore the wrinkles which start at the corner of my eyes, they show how often I'm laughing. And I like my crooked smile and the serious lines between my eyebrows which make me look angry when really, I'm just concentrating! I just get to feel the lost time right after finishing school, now, and I definitely don't like that. I want to earn some serious money, already. Maybe, just *maybe* I'll get to that before I turn 30. *sigh* I'd like to...
But I had a nice birthday anyway. Good friends, lovely presents.
And a package of the aunt who sent me hatemail, last I heard of her. Sweets and news, a birthday card and utter loneliness. I'm not quite sure what to make of that, either.

Oh and wow, Kathi called, she's three months pregnant. What the fuck! Pregnant! I guess I shouldn't be so shocked, but god, I don't want to go there for a few years still. She's a bit older than me, but... pregnant. Schoolmate, pregnant. I have to admit I was listening for a biological clock to start ticking, here, but it doesn't, thank god!

And I got so many christmas cards and yet I did not send even ONE this year, *again*. I am quite ashamed. rattenmaus sent me something, and just the wrapping paper made me squee already, while the present itself made me smile widely. Thank you so much, I love it!
And Emma sent me a card which talked about wolves and foxes and damn, I'm so moved. Thank you, really. Let's meet up next year, definitley!

So yes, I'm fine. I'm building and working and breaking free. And yes, I think buying the tree and the roast for the first time makes me a little more one of the adults. I think I like that. I think I can stop missing my mother now, altogether. Christmas was the last time of the year where the hole in my world that she left was palpable.
There's a future to build and a novel to edit and maybe I can work up the courage to ask Dad about that day and that man and maybe, just maybe there will be sex with a guy in my future again. *lifts eyebrow* That *is* quite an incentive...
When we'll be done with the christmas leftovers I'll start losing weight again, too, since the pressure will most probably recede now.
I can stop doubting my academic ability now, and I can stop fearing the next year, since plan B sound pretty good too (and I WILL go to Japan one way or the other).
I do think it will all work out. We constantly underestimate ourselves. Oh yes, you can do that. This can happen. That too shall pass and no, no, no, never doubt me, I promised. Shiny shoes and bright green glitter and this mean old skull can't hurt me, actually.

I hope you all had a very happy holiday.

Comments

[zeraphita.livejournal.com]

I can't think of anything fitting to write somehow.. so just.. GO YOU!

[rattenmaus.livejournal.com]

yay, ich freu mich dass es dir gefällt :D
ich hatte so untergründig ein bisschen "angst" dass du die nase rümpfst und dir denkst "PÖH! meine kuns! dafür missbraucht! und überhaupt, wofür soll ich das bitteschön brauchen!"

naja, nicht wirklich, aber so ein klitzekleines bisschen ;)

[rattenmaus.livejournal.com]

kunst. nicht kuns. :p

[schneggen-post.livejournal.com]

.1,0!!! WoW. Mal fetten Applaus spende. Frag deinen Pa, sowas nagt in einem bis man es weiß. Da du aber so viele Erinnerungen aus der Zeit hast würdest du dich an "die Untersuchungen" die sie dann mit dir gemacht hätten erinnern, denke ich. Ich drücke die Daumen das es "nur" Küssen war.
Viele Karten? Klingt als würden dich sehr viele Menschen gern haben und an dich denken :)
Und herzlichen Glückwunsch zum 28...alte Frau...*hihi*

[gaharr.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[fusselbiene.livejournal.com]

Ich drück dir die Daumen für deine Bewerbung und freu mich, dass zumindest dieser Stress endlich hinter dir liegt.

Dass deine komische Tante dir einen Brief geschrieben hat... o_Ô
Es geschehen wohl noch Zeichen und Wunder.

Was deine Erinnerungen angeht: Ich hatte eine ähnliche Erfahrung, nur dass ich mich erinnere. Ich habe mal gelesen, dass einige Kinder das unmittelbar nach dem Geschehen schon verdrängen. Vielleicht wäre also auch die Frage interessant, ob du dich damals bei der Polizei erinnern konntest. Hoffentlich kann dein Pa dir alles an Info geben, was du brauchst. *daumendrück&hugz*