New challenges
Mar. 30th, 2007 01:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fuchsSunday Dad called, and he asked me how I was. I told him fine and he nonetheless asked me if I was depressed, and if yes, why.
We talked for a while and I had to admit that yes, I was down. And I couldn't tell why. I told him about all the ideas I had. I told him about Steve Pavlina and Income Opportunities. Value creation and art. I told him about Traidis again, how it has a frenetic fandom without being written yet. That I am sure it would succeed, that I am sure that *I* would succeed, in so many ways. And then I said:
"But I don't. I just don't do it. And I don't know why."
I was too exhausted to cry at that point. Life like it should be seemed just to be an inch away, absolutely ready to be grasped.
I told him about all the things I had already conquered. Lazyness. Chaos. Lies. Self-doubts.
He was silent for a moment, and then he pondered, slowly:
"Maybe it's not you. Maybe it's deeper. Maybe you watched me try and fail too often."
And he had, hadn't he. Tried to found a computer software business in the early 90ies (and wouldn't that been great). Tried to sell lectures about Brain Jogging five years ago (and didn't the audience dig it like crazy!). Tried and tried and tried and tried and failed every single time.
Even in other, non monetary aspects of life. He tried to go out more, save money, eat healthier, do more sports. Save his little daughter. Get what he is entitled to get.
And he failed. None of those failures where his fault. But he still failed.
Maybe I concentrated on the motherside of my family for too long. I inherited their: "We lie." And I overcame it, though I'll never be able to stop watching myself very carefully.
Maybe I inherited something from my fathers side too: "We fail."
After that talk I listened hard for anything in my subconscious either nodding to it or squirming for it wasn't quite the point. But it was. Everything in me hung it's head in shame and admitted: I may *know* that I'll succeed. But I don't believe it. I don't *feel* it.
Self fulfilling prophecy: If you don't feel it, you'll fail.
Though I don't fear failure and I am quite able to survive it, when it's there, I don't exactly like it. So of course I don't bother if it's the only possible outcome I feel? Anyway, new idea, new possibilities, new challenge.
So my monday started fresh and bright. I got up early, ran, worked, met friends, swam in the evening and came home happy and satisfied. And then I fell into a very old behaviour pattern that I couldn't shake off and had to admit that I would have to get rid of that, too.
I believe I'll fail and I am addicted to a damaging behaviour pattern.
Well. One never stops learning, right?
So how do you shake off an addiction, and how do you start believing in success? I have no idea. But I can't stay sad when every tree blooms and every bird sings. I can't feel sorry for myself when she smiles at me like that. I can't dislike me when they love me so. I can't not believe in my talent when they all get so excited about the new roleplay I'll lead.
On my way back through the early night from a very nice evening with friends I pondered my ideas on how to earn money. I looked out of the window of the train, not really seeing anything, you know how that's like. My ideas were scattered, not really thought through, and felt completely absurd in parts.
And then the train stopped suddenly, somewhere between here and there, somewhere it usually doesn't stop. It stood for a while and right in the direction of my gaze there was a glowing sign slowly coming into focus, with big, bold letters, at a fuel station of all places. It said:
"Ideas you believe are absurd ultimately lead to success."
I had to blink a few times but it was still there. Seems like the city talks to me again. Since it is way older than I am, ancient, really, maybe I should listen.
I really need to start translating entries, again. I will, soon, promise.
We talked for a while and I had to admit that yes, I was down. And I couldn't tell why. I told him about all the ideas I had. I told him about Steve Pavlina and Income Opportunities. Value creation and art. I told him about Traidis again, how it has a frenetic fandom without being written yet. That I am sure it would succeed, that I am sure that *I* would succeed, in so many ways. And then I said:
"But I don't. I just don't do it. And I don't know why."
I was too exhausted to cry at that point. Life like it should be seemed just to be an inch away, absolutely ready to be grasped.
I told him about all the things I had already conquered. Lazyness. Chaos. Lies. Self-doubts.
He was silent for a moment, and then he pondered, slowly:
"Maybe it's not you. Maybe it's deeper. Maybe you watched me try and fail too often."
And he had, hadn't he. Tried to found a computer software business in the early 90ies (and wouldn't that been great). Tried to sell lectures about Brain Jogging five years ago (and didn't the audience dig it like crazy!). Tried and tried and tried and tried and failed every single time.
Even in other, non monetary aspects of life. He tried to go out more, save money, eat healthier, do more sports. Save his little daughter. Get what he is entitled to get.
And he failed. None of those failures where his fault. But he still failed.
Maybe I concentrated on the motherside of my family for too long. I inherited their: "We lie." And I overcame it, though I'll never be able to stop watching myself very carefully.
Maybe I inherited something from my fathers side too: "We fail."
After that talk I listened hard for anything in my subconscious either nodding to it or squirming for it wasn't quite the point. But it was. Everything in me hung it's head in shame and admitted: I may *know* that I'll succeed. But I don't believe it. I don't *feel* it.
Self fulfilling prophecy: If you don't feel it, you'll fail.
Though I don't fear failure and I am quite able to survive it, when it's there, I don't exactly like it. So of course I don't bother if it's the only possible outcome I feel? Anyway, new idea, new possibilities, new challenge.
So my monday started fresh and bright. I got up early, ran, worked, met friends, swam in the evening and came home happy and satisfied. And then I fell into a very old behaviour pattern that I couldn't shake off and had to admit that I would have to get rid of that, too.
I believe I'll fail and I am addicted to a damaging behaviour pattern.
Well. One never stops learning, right?
So how do you shake off an addiction, and how do you start believing in success? I have no idea. But I can't stay sad when every tree blooms and every bird sings. I can't feel sorry for myself when she smiles at me like that. I can't dislike me when they love me so. I can't not believe in my talent when they all get so excited about the new roleplay I'll lead.
On my way back through the early night from a very nice evening with friends I pondered my ideas on how to earn money. I looked out of the window of the train, not really seeing anything, you know how that's like. My ideas were scattered, not really thought through, and felt completely absurd in parts.
And then the train stopped suddenly, somewhere between here and there, somewhere it usually doesn't stop. It stood for a while and right in the direction of my gaze there was a glowing sign slowly coming into focus, with big, bold letters, at a fuel station of all places. It said:
"Ideas you believe are absurd ultimately lead to success."
I had to blink a few times but it was still there. Seems like the city talks to me again. Since it is way older than I am, ancient, really, maybe I should listen.
I really need to start translating entries, again. I will, soon, promise.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-03-31 10:00 pm (UTC)I hope you'll find a way to keep working on yourself while being more relaxed. Because although I don't know you much (yet?), I adore you in some points. And I wish you happiness.
I'd like to know what happened to your little sister, because you mentioned her twice lately. But I won't take it personal if you choose not to tell me.
Amazingly inspiring, by the way, as usual.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-02 09:33 am (UTC)My parents divorced when she was 5 and I therefore 17. Dad wanted to share child custody, Mum did her utmost to get it for herself, including accusing him of being part of a sect.
The Tiny One took that hard, of course. Mum apparently told her a lot of crap, then. Dad and me only got to see her two weekends and a few evenings per month. And I staid with Dad, where I very nearly fell into the trap to help him lead his life instead of leading my own.
My grades dropped like a brick, my time was spent either helping in the household, driving my sister from mother to father and back, talking to my fathers lawyer or evaluators or hiding online. I lost track of myself, so I had to go. To move to cologne to live the life I wanted to. I still thought I'd be able to see her one weekend per month, then.
When I told her that I'd be moving, she cried, helplessly, and it really broke my heart.
Summer 2005 she came here and hid, until Mum relented and let her live with Dad, where she's going to school, now, too. Her grades climbed like... wow, and she's really happy now. Old enough to come to me, and since Dad and I never lied to her and always did our very best to reassure her of our love, her worth and even of Mums love, she's unbelievably stable and strong.
I think leaving her was more of a trauma for me than for her. Especially because we talked about it, now and then, and she always smiled and told me that she feared losing me, then, but since that never happened, since she never lost me, it wasn't that bad, actually. :)
no subject
Date: 2007-04-03 05:37 pm (UTC)And thank you even more for the insight.
Where are you from. Was it too far to see your little sister when you had moved to Cologne, or was it because of the family troubles?
It's nice to read about how great she's doing. I had thought it was worse. But I can understand that it's a trauma to you, 'cause I know the feeling when you have to leave younger siblings with your mother. :-(
Are you in contact now?
no subject
Date: 2007-04-09 10:58 am (UTC)I am in constant contact with my sister, which is always fun and full of love. I only mail my mother and only about money, now and then. ^^;