Well for the boyfriends part it isn't that I fear to get hurt (maybe because boyfriends never hurt me, it was always me who wanted to part). It's simply that I don't fall in love. Not because I stop myself from doing so, I just don't do it, maybe because I am not satisfied enough with myself, maybe because the guys available aren't what I want. I have to go on searching and in the meantime I try to get the hugs and cuddles and such from friends.
Applying to university... yes, I fear the rejection. But this is just a minor part in the problems coming along with that. I am also unsure about money (it's *not* that I want to be rich, but just *some* more would be nice, I think you know what I mean :)), about the 'wasted time', I mean, I will be 30 or so when I am ready, if everything works out well, it's the fear of being unsure if I manage a time-intense course AND 10 or 16+ hours work a week. It's my life, I should do the things I want to do, I know. But there is also a part in me just wants to have a nice and secure job, etc. So for me, I think, it's more the fear to make the wrong decision (and deciding against it can be as wrong), than the fear to be rejected or something. Or: For me it *would* be kind of a little solution to really know what I want / what is the best for me / what makes me happy. It would help. But I don't know it and thinking and thinking about it seems not to help. And with 24 I am slowly a bit tired about trying and more trying out. Maybe I shouldn't be so impatient. I wrote the 'I am happy' list (a list, haha! :D), so I could also write the 'I am unhappy' list without feeling 'guilty' for feeling not good. Because I *know* I can be happy with my life in general. But part of that happyness (for me) is being allowed to feel bad sometimes without being told 'Jetzt stell dich mal nicht so an' (I don't know that in english) and without feeling egoistic/wrong because of being down.
Yeah, well, just so :) I hope for you everything works out... also about the boys thing. Today I looked through old photos and saw some of you and Martin... I know you were just friends, but well, you looked cute together ;) To bad the Essigfabrik isn't anymore.
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branchandroot
Answered as if it was an answer to my entry and just what comes to my mind :)
Date: 2005-01-23 10:14 am (UTC)Applying to university... yes, I fear the rejection. But this is just a minor part in the problems coming along with that. I am also unsure about money (it's *not* that I want to be rich, but just *some* more would be nice, I think you know what I mean :)), about the 'wasted time', I mean, I will be 30 or so when I am ready, if everything works out well, it's the fear of being unsure if I manage a time-intense course AND 10 or 16+ hours work a week. It's my life, I should do the things I want to do, I know. But there is also a part in me just wants to have a nice and secure job, etc.
So for me, I think, it's more the fear to make the wrong decision (and deciding against it can be as wrong), than the fear to be rejected or something. Or: For me it *would* be kind of a little solution to really know what I want / what is the best for me / what makes me happy. It would help. But I don't know it and thinking and thinking about it seems not to help. And with 24 I am slowly a bit tired about trying and more trying out. Maybe I shouldn't be so impatient.
I wrote the 'I am happy' list (a list, haha! :D), so I could also write the 'I am unhappy' list without feeling 'guilty' for feeling not good. Because I *know* I can be happy with my life in general. But part of that happyness (for me) is being allowed to feel bad sometimes without being told 'Jetzt stell dich mal nicht so an' (I don't know that in english) and without feeling egoistic/wrong because of being down.
Yeah, well, just so :)
I hope for you everything works out... also about the boys thing. Today I looked through old photos and saw some of you and Martin... I know you were just friends, but well, you looked cute together ;)
To bad the Essigfabrik isn't anymore.