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January 2011
Jan. 28th, 2011 09:22 am2009 started with a one-word New Year's resolution: Early. I wanted to be on time for once, with everything, being early enough to gain some confidence and leeway for relaxing with a good conscience.
The year found me trapped in a hamster wheel of frantic activity, leading nowhere. I had the cushy office job at university, offered to me by my favourite professor during my oral exam, last exam before graduation. But I had no idea how to behave there. I had a big task which started to become topic no.1 in most conversations I had: The Chronologies. Building a table of dates and information, an overview of the complete history of India, China and Japan, meant to be used by starting students of Cultures and Societies of Asia (KUGA), a field of study that demands an astonishing amount of knowledge of all three countries in a shockingly short amount of time.
So, I could easily see the sense in the product I was supposed to create and was fascinated by the things I read up on. But I had studied Japanese Studies, I had no idea about India, and only passing knowledge about China. And I didn't dare ask.
7 years I had been trained to get a task, produce the best I could, hand it in and then wait for the grade to come back to me.
My professor is a very busy woman, so everybody tried to bother her as little as possible, while at the same time communicating as often and clearly as possible, too. There was one colleague, a seasoned "scientific assistant" as my post was called, and she had also teaching assignments. Students were afraid of her, colleagues intimidated, I was terrified. Not because she did anything wrong, no. Because she didn't do *anything* wrong. She taught me how to teach, how to teamwork, how to communicate in an academic setting, how to work efficiently instead of helplessly controlled by my perfectionism.
For most of 2009 I was lagging behind expectations, one step behind the things I had committed to. And there was a long list of things I had to do that I didn't even get to, like working on a doctorate.
I read a few self help books without doing anything with what I learned from them. In December 2009 I had worked myself sick. I had to stop any intake of white sugar, white flour, raw fruit and dairy. I had a cold more days than not. Christmas was a small but very satisfying affair, apart from not being able to eat any sweets and only participating in the feast knowing it would come back to haunt me.
I was anything but Early, losing the few free days I had to Resistance. Without my safety net of love and support I would have probably lost myself.
A cushy office job was supposed to be Plan B. Not plan A to Z without even time to focus on health or getting back any orientation in my own life.
So 2010 was started with a new resolution, this time phrased as a priority: My body.
I started out with an actual plan, based on the self-help strategies that had made the most sense for me. My body was always priority one. If something didn't feel right, I tried my best to change it before the bad feeling in my middle turned into actual indigestion.
I spent most of my time on the university job, struggling with the massive task that was summarising the history of three major countries in a concise way that was still able to show internal causalities to absolute freshmen. What I had left of potential for creative productivity was spent on rpg, writing (mostly fanfiction) and translating poems for Jessica.
I went outside a lot more, on walks, picknicks at the lake, visiting Dad in Kiel, Anja in Hamburg and Jessica in London. Jessica had asked me to help with the daunting challenge that was 37 years worth of cluttered paperwork and, well, stuff, accumulated in her 7-room-appartement in London. I started that task in October, and she was so pleased that she took a wad of actual cash, put it in my hand and told me to make a career out of this. Since my convoluted self-improvement strategies had already pointed to self-employment anyway, I decided to do so.
At university, it became quite clear by then, that I had gotten a long list of completely wrong instructions. A pile of bureaucracy bullshit was leading to the fact that the Chronologies would never be used the way I thought they would. First all of India was cut out, then all of China - the both parts I had spent nearly all of the research time on. Then Japan was cut down and down and down until the end product looked like something I could have easily assembled in about two months.
Completely disgusted with the academic world by then I didn't even try to apply for other jobs there, when my contract wasn't prolonged. A fate all scientific assistants but two shared: The university had, on top of it all, completely spent the budget for the *next* semester already, so we were let go after December 31st.
I decided to commit to my dreams. I decided to Fail Harder.
What I had managed was not only to get on top on all of my due doctor's appointments, but I also established a working communication with my own body. My body really was not only my greatest tool, but my partner in living. I had even acquired the habit of going to the gym 2-3 times a week, and loving it. And at the same rate communicating with my body worked out, communicating with the Shadow Self grew into a functioning dialogue.
2011 started in London, where I was completing sorting through Jessica's possessions, talking to many people who'd have assigments for me the moment I could produce some kind of credibility - or at least business cards, it seemed. Instead of going to watch the fireworks, I spent playing a curious mix of maid and host at Jessica's. I staid there for ten days, oscillating between loneliness and a soothing, wonderful awareness. I had a photo with me that showed my Visualization Wall at home, where I had tried to shape everything I learned and all my goals into something that the Shadow Self would understand.
So. January. I came back from London on the 8th, aiming for the stars: Not only would I go for self-employment, I would try to form an agency with a trusted friend, and Jessica's financial backing.
I started with so much momentum, only to crash against a wall of university work - I still have the teaching assignment to finish, and since I haven't yet managed to get rid of this pesky perfectionism, I can easily fill all my time with just the one course (Art and Daily Life in Japan through the ages, btw). I didn't quite start to sort through all the new information and inspiration that I had gathered in London for nearly two weeks, because there were so many people who's opinions I was waiting for. And I did a stupid mistake: Starting into a break, a much needed complete day of recharging, without having a plan, orientation, anything, really. I couldn't have opened the door for Resistance any wider if I tried.
And then there was the introductiory lecture on Art in a team-taught lecture series every freshmen of KUGA Japan or Japanese Studies has to take to gain a first insight into, well, everything.
I tried to use everything I had learned last year to make my gigantic to-do-list work and battle Resistance at the same time, but failed in too many ways this month to feel proud of myself. I also didn't quite manage to go to the gym as often as I'd liked, and instead caught a cold again.
But it's okay, I didn't do too bad. The lecture was a success, my professor asked if she could use the script next year herself. I met up with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
nimielle again, which was wonderful. I started the agency thingamabob with al_pha and, in the end, started to write again - high time for that, really!
And I found new music to help me through.
And, hey, I managed to write a long LJ entry.
(Feel free to ask for specific details, I can't quite decide what to write about in detail first.)
The year found me trapped in a hamster wheel of frantic activity, leading nowhere. I had the cushy office job at university, offered to me by my favourite professor during my oral exam, last exam before graduation. But I had no idea how to behave there. I had a big task which started to become topic no.1 in most conversations I had: The Chronologies. Building a table of dates and information, an overview of the complete history of India, China and Japan, meant to be used by starting students of Cultures and Societies of Asia (KUGA), a field of study that demands an astonishing amount of knowledge of all three countries in a shockingly short amount of time.
So, I could easily see the sense in the product I was supposed to create and was fascinated by the things I read up on. But I had studied Japanese Studies, I had no idea about India, and only passing knowledge about China. And I didn't dare ask.
7 years I had been trained to get a task, produce the best I could, hand it in and then wait for the grade to come back to me.
My professor is a very busy woman, so everybody tried to bother her as little as possible, while at the same time communicating as often and clearly as possible, too. There was one colleague, a seasoned "scientific assistant" as my post was called, and she had also teaching assignments. Students were afraid of her, colleagues intimidated, I was terrified. Not because she did anything wrong, no. Because she didn't do *anything* wrong. She taught me how to teach, how to teamwork, how to communicate in an academic setting, how to work efficiently instead of helplessly controlled by my perfectionism.
For most of 2009 I was lagging behind expectations, one step behind the things I had committed to. And there was a long list of things I had to do that I didn't even get to, like working on a doctorate.
I read a few self help books without doing anything with what I learned from them. In December 2009 I had worked myself sick. I had to stop any intake of white sugar, white flour, raw fruit and dairy. I had a cold more days than not. Christmas was a small but very satisfying affair, apart from not being able to eat any sweets and only participating in the feast knowing it would come back to haunt me.
I was anything but Early, losing the few free days I had to Resistance. Without my safety net of love and support I would have probably lost myself.
A cushy office job was supposed to be Plan B. Not plan A to Z without even time to focus on health or getting back any orientation in my own life.
So 2010 was started with a new resolution, this time phrased as a priority: My body.
I started out with an actual plan, based on the self-help strategies that had made the most sense for me. My body was always priority one. If something didn't feel right, I tried my best to change it before the bad feeling in my middle turned into actual indigestion.
I spent most of my time on the university job, struggling with the massive task that was summarising the history of three major countries in a concise way that was still able to show internal causalities to absolute freshmen. What I had left of potential for creative productivity was spent on rpg, writing (mostly fanfiction) and translating poems for Jessica.
I went outside a lot more, on walks, picknicks at the lake, visiting Dad in Kiel, Anja in Hamburg and Jessica in London. Jessica had asked me to help with the daunting challenge that was 37 years worth of cluttered paperwork and, well, stuff, accumulated in her 7-room-appartement in London. I started that task in October, and she was so pleased that she took a wad of actual cash, put it in my hand and told me to make a career out of this. Since my convoluted self-improvement strategies had already pointed to self-employment anyway, I decided to do so.
At university, it became quite clear by then, that I had gotten a long list of completely wrong instructions. A pile of bureaucracy bullshit was leading to the fact that the Chronologies would never be used the way I thought they would. First all of India was cut out, then all of China - the both parts I had spent nearly all of the research time on. Then Japan was cut down and down and down until the end product looked like something I could have easily assembled in about two months.
Completely disgusted with the academic world by then I didn't even try to apply for other jobs there, when my contract wasn't prolonged. A fate all scientific assistants but two shared: The university had, on top of it all, completely spent the budget for the *next* semester already, so we were let go after December 31st.
I decided to commit to my dreams. I decided to Fail Harder.
What I had managed was not only to get on top on all of my due doctor's appointments, but I also established a working communication with my own body. My body really was not only my greatest tool, but my partner in living. I had even acquired the habit of going to the gym 2-3 times a week, and loving it. And at the same rate communicating with my body worked out, communicating with the Shadow Self grew into a functioning dialogue.
2011 started in London, where I was completing sorting through Jessica's possessions, talking to many people who'd have assigments for me the moment I could produce some kind of credibility - or at least business cards, it seemed. Instead of going to watch the fireworks, I spent playing a curious mix of maid and host at Jessica's. I staid there for ten days, oscillating between loneliness and a soothing, wonderful awareness. I had a photo with me that showed my Visualization Wall at home, where I had tried to shape everything I learned and all my goals into something that the Shadow Self would understand.
(note to self: calendar design)
So. January. I came back from London on the 8th, aiming for the stars: Not only would I go for self-employment, I would try to form an agency with a trusted friend, and Jessica's financial backing.
I started with so much momentum, only to crash against a wall of university work - I still have the teaching assignment to finish, and since I haven't yet managed to get rid of this pesky perfectionism, I can easily fill all my time with just the one course (Art and Daily Life in Japan through the ages, btw). I didn't quite start to sort through all the new information and inspiration that I had gathered in London for nearly two weeks, because there were so many people who's opinions I was waiting for. And I did a stupid mistake: Starting into a break, a much needed complete day of recharging, without having a plan, orientation, anything, really. I couldn't have opened the door for Resistance any wider if I tried.
And then there was the introductiory lecture on Art in a team-taught lecture series every freshmen of KUGA Japan or Japanese Studies has to take to gain a first insight into, well, everything.
I tried to use everything I had learned last year to make my gigantic to-do-list work and battle Resistance at the same time, but failed in too many ways this month to feel proud of myself. I also didn't quite manage to go to the gym as often as I'd liked, and instead caught a cold again.
But it's okay, I didn't do too bad. The lecture was a success, my professor asked if she could use the script next year herself. I met up with
nimielle again, which was wonderful. I started the agency thingamabob with al_pha and, in the end, started to write again - high time for that, really!And I found new music to help me through.
And, hey, I managed to write a long LJ entry.
(Feel free to ask for specific details, I can't quite decide what to write about in detail first.)
