First Person Plural

The exam is over and my mind is able to think again. There was this woman on tape, she talked about her weight, and even if it wasn't true, it was true for the She she was then. She said: I'm hiding behind all this fat, hiding inside myself. I am more, this way, there is more of me, I am bigger, harder to miss.
Dad asked me that once, if I really didn't like my weight or if, perhaps, it made me feel secure. And it's true, at least for the I I am now, I am less than I was in January, I am a slightly condensed version, reduced to the really important stuff. I like that, reducing, I mean. Condensing. Sorting through stuff and throwing out anything unnecessary.
But yeah, it's frightening me a little, too. I am standing right before the goal and damn, it intimidates me. I have to decide, somehow, which part of my life, my thoughts and self images is unnecessary, because I lose a little psychological crap with every pound I lose. That goes for regaining, too.
I see normal people behaving normally, with defunct communications and chaotic self images, without goal or perpective, having fun, drinking, just watching themselves living their lives, slightly nonplussed by how it all works. And I just know this doesn't work for me anymore. Won't ever again. Once you lose your ignorance, once you start watching yourself harder and try to steer your instincts, all those malformed behaviour patterns your family gave you, you can't ever stop. So you lose patterns without really getting rid of them (they stalk you, jump you when you aren't watching for a second) and without gaining new ones.
All my life I tried to orientate myself on pictures in my mind, ideals if you like. The Cure jumping around, throwing glitter, laughing, singing Friday, I'm in love. This one girl with the unbelievable long blond hair dancing to Kurts Teen Spirit. My parents on holidays, relaxed, partying, just so damn cool. All those normal people.
I am in fact an idealist and I find nothing wrong with that. But I really have to correct my assumptions. There is no 'normal'. And nobody ever looks like that in real life. No party will ever be as fun as the memories of the drunken, carefree teenage ones.
Throw out all those images, I don't think we still need them.
I have too much to oversee all. I have too much already, dragging me into different directions. I'll condense, reconstruct, ressurect. Life, says the woman on tape, is the ultimate editing process. But it isn't, I'm done editing. I'm sorting, shifting, letting new patterns sink into my life. Treading new ways through my jungle.
I actually, really, unbelievably truly lost any garbage of my past I could lose last year. The rest is uneditable. Unerasable. And I am able to deal with it, I can live with having been humiliated, I can accept that it will happen again.
I love growing older. Every year gives me more security.
Yes, this exam went better than any ever before, not because I had more knowledge or insight, I won't get the best grade I ever had, but damn, there wasn't much panic at all. I started early, I learned a lot, relaxed and liked it. I found the Flow so early and didn't seem to lose it. Every time I chase the Flow down, I catch it earlier, and it stays longer.
I watch myself wanting a car, just to be able to drive to the shore for a day and I'm amused and think, god, you're a grown-up. A car, I mean, really. A car.
I'm totally broke and think about buying a laptop and when I check my account I smile ruefully, but damn yes I don't want to live on that little money anymore. I'm going to work harder to get more money, and didn't I always believe with all my heart, that I'd rather be free and broke than working hard just to achieve a higher level of luxury because free time was all the luxury I wanted?
The woman on tape said every person can trace their story back to some myth, some fairy tale they heard when they where little, we chose one hero or anti-hero and identify with them for the rest of our lives. I love Robin Hood the best but I really don't think his story influenced mine.
What did influence it, though, was manipulation. The women of this family manipulate their way through the world like there's no tomorrow. I knew, I really knew that to be wrong and yet, how easy, how convenient, how powerful a way to handle things.
I adore House, and yes, exactly because of that. Manipulative bastard. Like Dyan. Like Joshua. Like every seme I ever played, like every hero and anti-hero (which can easily be the same person) I ever identified with. It's my religiously followed goal never to manipulate someone consciously again, and to reduce the unconsciously done manipulations to the absolute minimum.
So they are my shadows, my I Could Be You's, I could become you, if I just let me. I could forget about conventions, about niceties and morality of ways and just try to do the right thing without being considerate of anything but the outcome. If there were any outcome I knew to be important enough maybe I still would. But the most important part of life is other people, and no good outcome will be achieved by ways which damage trust. So I believe that, so I don't.
But I really like to watch characters do it. To let characters do it.
That's healthy, right?
I don't even try to change anyone but myself anymore. Hopefully this will be a new pattern of Not that sticks.
God, I am so free. I could be anyone. This year seems to be the one where I decide who I want to be, at least in some parts. And yeah, I'm totally looking forward to that. Lose a little freedom for a bit more security. See? Damn, I'm growing up. XD
Hmm. Way too tired for a translation, maybe later. I think I'll go get a pancake. Childhood dream, that. Eat anything you want anytime. I love my life.